Illustration by Kishgraphics
Over the past couple of months I have been tossed a couple of large curve balls. The kind where it is clear there are choices to be made that will impact how I will live the rest of my life. The unexpected kind. Not the ones you plan for.
Several years ago I stepped forward to really work for something that I truly believed in, felt a passion for and excelled in. I felt fulfilled in a way I did not know before. Then things started getting weird. Parties involved were edgy, rumors started, accusations, and I sat blind-sided. When I asked about things heard, I was told how things were fine. Don't be concerned. My gut kept telling me otherwise. I have never been very good at trusting my own intuition and I have been too highly trained to notice when there is no integrity in the speaking around me. After these past two years in my courses I have learned about noticing and listening to everything in a situation. People's structural physical positioning, the representational language used and what is being said between the lines. I was not hearing all was well...and yet I still trusted others more than myself. What was that all about?
I hate conflict. I have this idealistic notion that people can work things out peacefully and lovingly. How the hell I learned this I will never know. My family was a good family but my sisters and I did not agree very often and it seemed as the oldest daughter that I was always on the outs with my parents or at least one or the other sister. I went to church, worked to make people happy, created acts of good will, helped people with even less than we had, and the did the whole do unto others routine. I never have fought with others very well. It was uncomfortable, there was no dignity in it for me and if I was to strive for being gracious and kind it was not the way to act. I simply do not confront people when they are lying or not being straight with me often. I do not like to fight. Trust me though, folks have no problem confronting me and projecting who they are over here. It seems like I am simply a mirror for others to spew about themselves all over.
Thankfully I have met a great percentage of kind and loving people also that keep hope alive for me about the human race. On the other hand in my adult years I have met some of the angriest, nasty, back biting and unkind people. Somehow while it rattles me, I still have this uncanny hope in general human kindness. So what is that all about? What has me still see that in the nastiest of settings?
All I can get to so far is I see people's hearts. It is what I see on the other side of the crap they spew, lies told, or ill intended actions are the the manure in the fields. Growing up on a farm that was the stuff that created the crops growing, fruits and veggies to grow in abundance, and the grass to grow greener. So what is to grow now in my life while surrounded by current circumstances? Hmmm? This is definitely not where I saw this entry going when I sat at the keyboard today.
I thought I would spew my own stuff. Wow! Am I really too nice? Or am I just clear I have a piece of golden nugget here to show me something about what needs to happen to have my own dreams and desires come into fruition? Hmmm??? I feel an Ah Ha moment coming on all of a sudden after all of this typing!
What if all of the success of the past few years was to show me what I am really able to do? Who I really am and who I am not to craft something bigger? I certainly accomplished a lot, made a difference, and grew personally. What if I took all of the skill I gave and translated it into something else or looked at the next set of dreams to manifest? I mean after all my promise for the world is that people are inspired and empowered by the magic of their own lives and dreams. Hmmm???
Interesting...manure grows that which feeds our bodies and souls. Dream catchers in Native traditions are created to catch the bad things so they do not get in the way of your dreams and desires. Mirrors reflect back either all that we dislike about ourselves or an illusion of perfection to fool the mind. Are these all pieces of who I am? Something to continue to inquire into. If my promise after all is for all people, than I have to include myself.
So I think tonight, I will create a dream board to display in my home. A visual projection of what I am creating for myself, my life, my family and for the world around me. If the magic of creating our lives is in our speaking then let's get it on paper too!
What is the delicious harvest you are creating? What golden nuggets do you see in your life? What manure are you going to till into the earth to create grow from? What will sprout for you?
Things to ponder.